Baby.

I figure now that my baby is two weeks old, I should probably write down her birth story.

This is the last picture I have of myself pregnant (the arm sock is covering up my PICC line).  I was 37 weeks and one day pregnant and was in the hospital for my infection.  After nine failed rounds of oral antibiotics, one failed round of IM injections, my doctor decided that it would be best for me to go to the hospital to be treated with IV antibiotics on 10/16.  

I was there for four nights, much longer than I anticipated.  I was surprised at how little rest I got and how little I enjoyed being by myself for that long, even with a good book to read and Sudoku puzzles to solve.  I was poked everyday, woken up several times each night, woken up each time I tried to nap, and then I got my PICC line.  It was a simple procedure that didn't hurt much, but I cried like a baby before, during, and after it.

My favorite times in the hospital were of course when Steve and the kids visited me.  The visits were always short.  It didn't take long for Mi Na to figure out some way to make mischief.  My daily field trip to labor and delivery for my non-stress test was also a highlight.  It meant that I got to be outside in the sunshine for just a minute and it felt glorious each time.  I also looked forward to every meal, not because the food was good (in fact, my medication made everything taste like metal), but because an Indian woman named Mina brought it to me.  She soon learned how much I loved chocolate and would bring me some even if I didn't order it.  I loved getting to know her.  

I went home (10/20) with my PICC line so I could treat myself at home.  I was to give myself IV antibiotics everyday until I delivered the baby because it's likely that being pregnant was the cause of all the trouble. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait too long.

On Tuesday morning (10/23), I got checked at my midwife appointment and was at 3+ cm.  After that appointment, I started having contractions.  They were close together (2 to 4 minutes apart), but not regular.  These contractions lasted for hours.  So I went back to my midwife practice to get checked again, and I was still at 3+ cm.  You'd think that by baby #4, I'd know if I was in labor or not, but it's always been tricky for me.  So I went home, disappointed, but the contractions lasted through the rest of the day and night.    Normal life didn't stop just because I was having contractions, but I did have help from Wendy and Saige, who helped get Stephen to and from preschool and Mei Li to and from ballet.

On Wednesday, my contractions were more regular and much stronger.  I spent the morning cleaning up our bedroom.  It had been cluttered for months.  Around 11:30 AM, I called the midwives to let them know I was going to come in to get checked again, but I had to hurry to get there before their lunch break.  I was unable to find someone to take the kids right then so I decided I would take them with me.  Stephen, however, didn't like that plan.  Being in labor is kind of a big deal, but Stephen didn't seem to think so.  We were too late to make it before lunch. So, I just waited for Steve to come home and took my antibiotics.  Steve came home, Wendy picked Stephen up for preschool, and then Steve, Mi Na and I went to the midwife office.

The midwife who checked me has been delivering babies since 1981.  I often refer to her as "the wise woman."  I love her.  She said I was at 5+ cm and that I would be having this baby tonight.  I loved her even more after that.

So then we made arrangements for our kids.  Wendy would pick Stephen up from preschool and look after him.  We would leave Mi Na with Saige, and then she would pick Mei Li up from school.  Steve asked his sister, Christine, to drive in from West Virginia so she could stay with the kids overnight.

Steve dropped me off at the hospital, dropped Mi Na off at Saige's, and picked up a few things from home.  I loved all of the midwives and would have been happy to have any of them deliver my baby.  Paula was on call that day, along with the midwife intern, Shannon.  I probably saw them more than the others and they were very proactive when I was in the hospital the week before.  They did their best to get me out of there sooner rather than later.

After sitting on the hospital bed being monitored for a while, my contractions became much stronger, but I made little progress.  The midwives talked to me about breaking my water, which is something I didn't originally want.  But, I wasn't feeling very patient. I considered getting an epidural before they broke my water.  

Steve and I walked around for a while to talk about it.  I decided it was okay for them to break my water, but I wasn't going to get an epidural.  I knew what was ahead of me and I wasn't scared (yet).  I was actually more scared of needles.  I had had too many of those from the week before.  I'm grateful for modern medicine, but I want as little to do with it as possible.

After our walk, I was at 7 cm.  They broke my water and we walked around some more.  The contractions were painless for a while.  They asked us to come back in because the wireless monitors weren't working where we were walking.  So I walked around in the delivery room and when the contractions became so painful, I got in the tub for some pain relief.  I had never tried the tub before, but it was amazing how it lessened my pain by about 50 percent.  I stayed in there for a while and I handled each contraction pretty silently.  As the contractions worsened, I started to cry.

I got out of the tub to get checked again.  Still 7 cm, but much more effaced.  I labored the rest of the time on the hospital bed.  Steve rubbed my arm, which did nothing to lessen the pain, but it was still so comforting.  I could never go through labor without him.   I tried to relax and that helped, but there are just some contractions that are beyond relaxation techniques.  I remember telling Steve, "This sucks!"  "I NEVER want to do this again!"  Can you imagine what things might have flown out of my mouth if I wasn't Mormon?

I don't really remember the timing of everything, but after several of those excruciatingly painful contractions, I was ready to push.  I don't remember how long I pushed, but it was the worst.  "I can't do this!" I screamed.  Steve assured me that I could.  (Sound familiar?)  I thrashed around a bit, rebelling against the next contraction.  I felt out of control and so mad at the pain, but I pushed anyway.  After all, that was the only way out of this mess.  Just when the pain couldn't get any worse, the baby was out and the pain went away.  And everything was perfect.

The midwife placed her on my chest right away.  There she was, a full head of dark hair and chubby cheeks like Stephen, fresh from heaven.  Steve and I didn't really talk.  We just stared at her, listened to her cry, and basked in the newness of life, in that feeling of being so close to heaven.  There is nothing like it.  It is so amazing every single time.

After a while, Steve cut the cord and she was briefly whisked away to get cleaned up.

She weighed in at 7 lbs. 5 oz., measured 19 inches long.

I love this picture.  Her cheeks are amazing!

After she got cleaned up, I nursed her for the first time and she did great on her first try.  It's amazing how they come out knowing exactly what to do.  

Saige dropped the kids off at the hospital.  It was almost 10 PM.  Stephen said, "I want to see her!"  Mei Li said, "Aww, she's so cute!  The first thing that came out of Mi Na's mouth was "Can I touch it?"  She wanted to climb right on top of me to snatch her baby sister, but Steve gently put Mi Na next to me and unwrapped her feet so Mi Na could touch them.  Right away, Mi Na performed "this little piggy" on her baby sister's tiny toes.  My heart melted into a giant puddle of love.  

Mi Na hadn't napped, so she pretty quickly had a melt-down when we put limits on how much she could touch the baby.  Pictures would not happen that night.  Christine made it to our house so Steve just took the kids home, put them to bed, and came back to be with me.  It was such a luxury to have him there for the first night, so we could have some alone time with our new nameless baby girl.  Thank you for that, Christine.

Christine and the kids came by the next day to see the still nameless little baby.  Mi Na asked again, "Can I touch it?"  She was all over that baby, getting in her face and poking her eyes.  Mei Li held her baby sister for the first time.  Stephen was not super enthusiastic, but he seemed to like her well enough.  We took a few pictures and then Steve took the kids home.  She remained nameless through the rest of that day.

Family of six!

I stayed the extra night at the hospital as instructed, and in the morning, we had to finally choose a name.  There was a name that I loved this whole pregnancy, and we were pretty sure we would end up using it. Steve liked it enough and it had a special meaning.  Steve gave his okay on Friday morning to use that name, so I wrote it down on the birth certificate form.  I crossed it out a minute later.

As much as I loved that name, it wasn't her name.  I looked at her and looked at her.  She opened her eyes wide and they stayed open for an unusually long time.  It was during that time that her name came to me. "Li Ya."  It was a name that I had mentioned to Steve before, but never seriously considered.  It means beauty and grace.  When Steve came to pick me up, we discussed her name again. Steve loved it.  Never mind that I call her "Mi Na" at least three times a day.

I'm so grateful Li Ya came to us.  I'm so grateful to have such a kind and gentle man as my husband and father of my children. I'm so grateful that we have the power to create life!  I'm so grateful for my body's ability sustain this new life.   It's easy to get overwhelmed by all the responsibility that comes with having four children, but the Lord will help us. We can do this.  I dare say that we'll even be good at it.  Life is so beautiful.

Weekend Highlights

Steve came home early on Friday.  It was such a nice surprise after his busy work week.  

Steve and I had a date on Friday night.  We went to the mall so he could look at some frames for prescription sunglasses and then we ate at Vapiano's.  I must be back to my normal self because all sorts of food, including the previously banned Italian food, sound good to me these days.  Except for Papa John's pizza.  I'm not sure Papa John and I will ever be friends again.

On Saturday morning, we visited the Museum of Natural History in DC.  We paid for the butterfly exhibit, and Stephen hated it again.  We visited the Korean, snake, photography, mammal, and bug exhibits.  Mei Li held a tobacco hornworm, which she dropped when it tickled her.

We met up with Christine at Founding Farmers for lunch.  Oh my.  If you haven't tried it, you need too.  Everything we ordered was excellent.  Steve ordered the prime rib dip and I ordered the butternut squash and mascarpone ravioli.   Mmmm.

Afterwards, Christine joined us at Gravelly Point to watch the airplanes and feed the ducks.  The weather was perfect.   The last time we went there, it was Father's Day and I ended up giving birth to Mi Na the very next day. 

Mei Li fell into the Potomac and got her shoes wet.  It took her a while to get over that one.  But taking pictures helped cheer her up.

On Father's day, we had a pancake breakfast and a Hawaiian haystack dinner at Steve's request.  He still had a church meeting to go to in the morning, but at least it was pushed back until 11 AM.  We had a great time celebrating Steve.  I know no one is perfect, but Steve kind of is.  At least I think so.  I am so amazed by the patient way he parents our children and the joy that he brings to them daily.  Being around Steve makes me want to be better in all aspects of my life.  It's hard work keeping up with him, but if I didn't at least try, I'd probably feel so bad about myself I couldn't stand to be around him.  We're all so blessed to have Steve in our daily lives.

Tomorrow, we're going to my 20-week ultrasound.  I usually have a correct hunch by this time about the gender of our babies, but I am totally stumped on this one.  At times, I have felt positive that it was a girl, but then I've felt that it was a boy too.  I don't care either way.  I am just happy to trust that Heavenly Father sent us the child that was meant to be in our family.  Any guesses?  Are you one who can tell the gender of the baby just by looking at my baby bump?

It's May!

I wonder if my next post will have "June" in the title.  Like I said before, March was pretty dismal, April was slightly better, and I have great hopes for May.

I spent most of April on my couch or in bed.  Steve's tax season ended, which was such a relief for our whole family.  I am proud of Steve for getting through another one, but can we really keep doing this forever?

My children gained a lot of independence in April, getting their own food and drink from the refrigerator.  Even Mi Na learned the art of scouring the floor and table for food left behind.  It wasn't always that bad.  Mornings were the best part of my day.  Though exhausted, I remained nausea-free until noon.  But when afternoon hit, I put Mi Na down for her nap, let Stephen watch a movie, and then slept until my alarm sounded and it was time to get Mei Li from the bus.  Then there was more movie-watching once Mei Li got home and Mi Na got up from her nap.  Then more couching for me.  I felt guilty that my kids were frying their brains with so much screen time.  That good-for-nothing mother of theirs.


Through all of this, I remained overwhelmingly grateful for my supportive, patient husband.  How could our little family have survived this last month if Steve were unwilling to feed, bathe, and put the kids to bed when he got home from work?   I probably would have just done what needed to be done, but I'm grateful that when he came home, I could just go to bed and rest easy knowing that our little ones were well taken care of.  I know it was probably hard on Steve, but he never told me so.

I hope it doesn't offend anyone if I speak of the first trimester of pregnancy as being difficult or trying.  I know that there are many who struggle with infertility and would gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant they could conceive.  I am so very aware of that, and remain ever grateful for the blessings I have been given.

When I prayed for help, I sometimes felt a little guilty that I would ask for help with this trial/blessing, knowing that others have much harder trials to deal with.  But after I prayed, I never felt like Heavenly Father compared my trial to another's.  I felt simply that He loved me, I was His daughter, and He wanted to help me.  He did help me in small and simple ways.   Mi Na came to me a few times while I lay on the couch and asked, "Mama, a sick?"  Stephen prayed that I would get better, and Mei Li came to my bedside everyday to give me a hug and a kiss and tell me that I was the best mom in the world.  I didn't believe her, but it was nice to hear.


I felt a little different today, not great, but different.  I felt the urge to clean my house, but with no energy to do it.  That little change gave me hope that I will someday enjoy running our household again.  I took the kids outside for a bit in the late afternoon, which only happened once or twice in April.  And tonight, when Mei Li requested that I sing "Feed the Birds" before bed, I sang it more slowly, soothingly, and beautifully than I did the nights before.  I am grateful for these little changes in the way I feel.

We are indeed blessed and I am just going to continue to plug away, do what I can, and try not to feel guilty for not doing more.  Happy May to all!

Thank goodness April is here.

I just reread my last post about March getting off to a great start.  I find it a little funny how positive I sounded.  March turned out to be one of the most dismal months I've ever lived through.


But before I get into that, my friend, Leanna, and her daughter, Azaleia, came to visit me in early March.  The highlights included a trip to the Udvar-Hazy Air and Space Museum, our Anne of Green Gables marathon, and our visit to Jessica T., a mutual friend of ours. Thank you for coming, Leanna.  We had so much fun with you!


Also, I went to traffic court with my brother-in-law, Ken, as my lawyer.  He did such a good job proving my innocence in the pre-trial discussions with the prosecutor, that we didn't even have to go to trial!  I loved it when the judge said, "you are free to go."   Thank you, Ken, for lightening my burden. 


Things started to go downhill when Ie Ling came up with other plans for employment.  Mi Na and Mei Li caught a stomach bug, I had a urinary tract infection and really bad allergies.  Steve was busy at work.  But most of all, I was overcome by a deep sadness, which source thankfully lies outside of my husband and children.  But the sadness devoured me.  And all the rest just made it really difficult for me to function.  


I guess the story isn't complete without me announcing, probably a bit too early, that I'm nine weeks pregnant.  I am really, truly happy about it, but it is weird how much of a burden such happy news is for the first few months when you consider the vomiting and exhaustion.  


One of my dearest friends, Heather S., once said that she could picture her unborn children rooting for her to pull through hard times and make good choices.  I believe their exact words were, "Come on, Mom! We need you!"


So yesterday afternoon, while my children watched TV and I rested on the couch, I felt something stir within me.  It was certainly too early for me to feel this baby move, but it was a reminder that this little one is counting on me to pull through the sadness and sickness.  And so were my three little couch potatoes.  I felt this overwhelming love for these little people and started to cry.  I knew I needed to close my sad chapter, especially when the circumstances are completely out of my control.


I woke up before my kids this morning and took a shower for the first time in four days.  I put on some makeup and got dressed.  I didn't do my hair, but I'm taking baby steps here.


I took the kids to the mall for some shopping.  I purchased two knit maxi skirts and a pair of lounge pants for comfort.  I purchased an Easter dress for Mei because sewing something is out of the question at this point.  Mi Na's Easter dress will come from the pile of new hand-me-downs.  Stephen said he didn't want new clothes for Easter.  I purchased $7 sunglasses for me so I could feel like a new woman.  I bought Mei Li the fedora just because she asked me to, and I didn't see a reason not to.  


We bought lunch at the food court, went on a carousel ride, and ended our trip with cupcakes.  It wasn't a totally smooth outing, but I'll count getting out of the house as a victory.  

I still feel like junk physically, but I know it is temporary, and I have never, even through March 2012, lost sight of how truly blessed I am.  

3!

I saw my doctor this morning. She told me the baby was very low and that I'm at a 3. I still have a little over 3 weeks left. This has been the pattern in my other pregnancies.

When I was at a 3 with Stephen, I walked around for 10 more days before giving birth. My doctor said that this is pretty weird, but explains why my labors are relatively quick.

Ie Ling and Jonathan are coming in 10 more days. I hope this baby will wait for them so they can be here to watch the kids.

This baby also needs to wait until we unpack her room, wash her clothes, pack my hospital bag, throw Mei Li a birthday party, receive and set up bunk beds, and find a new pediatrician out here.

This pregnancy has flown by. I am so excited to meet this little girl, but I just need 10 more days.

Looks like...

another one of these.

(picture taken today in 60 degree weather)


We knew it all along and clearly so did the rest of you. We're ecstatic.

I've decided to find out.

This time around, I didn't want to find out the gender of this baby. Steve did. I've come to the conclusion that the best way to find out is together, whether before the birth or after.

I get my way most of the time, not that my way is always contrary to Steve's way. He is always bending for me and I want to bend for him. I know he'd happily wait to find out if I asked him to, but I feel better about fulfilling his wish.

Tomorrow we're going to either confirm or disprove our shared suspicion of the gender. Any guesses?

Details

due date: July 12

current health: fabulous

first trimester health: junk

to find out or not find out: Steve will and I might not (and if I don't, none of you will either :)

Mei Li's hope: recently changed from boy to girl

Stephen's hope: a boy and a girl (not happening)

baby bump: appeared exactly four days ago

feelings: we are overflowing with gratitude and happiness