Blessing Day

Steve blessed our little Li Ya today.  Grandma and Grandpa Z., the Earnests, the Fitzgeralds, and the Kimbles were all here for Li Ya's special day.   We somehow all got to church in time for the blessing, even though it was early.

Steve's voice was tender and full of love as he gave the blessing.   It was beautiful.  Li Ya is so very blessed to have so many who love her and are good examples to her.  After church, we gathered at our home for food and lots of conversation.   I wonder how many times "Durban," "South Africa," or "Swaziland" came up in our conversations.  Why?  Oh, just because Grandma and Grandpa Z. will be serving as the mission president couple for the South Africa Durban mission starting in July!  We're all super excited for them.  It was a happy happy day. 

Um, I love her.

Proud Mama and Papa

The blessing circle participants

Christine, Jon (aka the Mountaineer), and Annee and Darin's little Wally

Rachel and Mi Na

  

Annee and Wally (Why don't I have a picture of his twin, Eleanor?)

South Africa bound!

Baby.

I figure now that my baby is two weeks old, I should probably write down her birth story.

This is the last picture I have of myself pregnant (the arm sock is covering up my PICC line).  I was 37 weeks and one day pregnant and was in the hospital for my infection.  After nine failed rounds of oral antibiotics, one failed round of IM injections, my doctor decided that it would be best for me to go to the hospital to be treated with IV antibiotics on 10/16.  

I was there for four nights, much longer than I anticipated.  I was surprised at how little rest I got and how little I enjoyed being by myself for that long, even with a good book to read and Sudoku puzzles to solve.  I was poked everyday, woken up several times each night, woken up each time I tried to nap, and then I got my PICC line.  It was a simple procedure that didn't hurt much, but I cried like a baby before, during, and after it.

My favorite times in the hospital were of course when Steve and the kids visited me.  The visits were always short.  It didn't take long for Mi Na to figure out some way to make mischief.  My daily field trip to labor and delivery for my non-stress test was also a highlight.  It meant that I got to be outside in the sunshine for just a minute and it felt glorious each time.  I also looked forward to every meal, not because the food was good (in fact, my medication made everything taste like metal), but because an Indian woman named Mina brought it to me.  She soon learned how much I loved chocolate and would bring me some even if I didn't order it.  I loved getting to know her.  

I went home (10/20) with my PICC line so I could treat myself at home.  I was to give myself IV antibiotics everyday until I delivered the baby because it's likely that being pregnant was the cause of all the trouble. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait too long.

On Tuesday morning (10/23), I got checked at my midwife appointment and was at 3+ cm.  After that appointment, I started having contractions.  They were close together (2 to 4 minutes apart), but not regular.  These contractions lasted for hours.  So I went back to my midwife practice to get checked again, and I was still at 3+ cm.  You'd think that by baby #4, I'd know if I was in labor or not, but it's always been tricky for me.  So I went home, disappointed, but the contractions lasted through the rest of the day and night.    Normal life didn't stop just because I was having contractions, but I did have help from Wendy and Saige, who helped get Stephen to and from preschool and Mei Li to and from ballet.

On Wednesday, my contractions were more regular and much stronger.  I spent the morning cleaning up our bedroom.  It had been cluttered for months.  Around 11:30 AM, I called the midwives to let them know I was going to come in to get checked again, but I had to hurry to get there before their lunch break.  I was unable to find someone to take the kids right then so I decided I would take them with me.  Stephen, however, didn't like that plan.  Being in labor is kind of a big deal, but Stephen didn't seem to think so.  We were too late to make it before lunch. So, I just waited for Steve to come home and took my antibiotics.  Steve came home, Wendy picked Stephen up for preschool, and then Steve, Mi Na and I went to the midwife office.

The midwife who checked me has been delivering babies since 1981.  I often refer to her as "the wise woman."  I love her.  She said I was at 5+ cm and that I would be having this baby tonight.  I loved her even more after that.

So then we made arrangements for our kids.  Wendy would pick Stephen up from preschool and look after him.  We would leave Mi Na with Saige, and then she would pick Mei Li up from school.  Steve asked his sister, Christine, to drive in from West Virginia so she could stay with the kids overnight.

Steve dropped me off at the hospital, dropped Mi Na off at Saige's, and picked up a few things from home.  I loved all of the midwives and would have been happy to have any of them deliver my baby.  Paula was on call that day, along with the midwife intern, Shannon.  I probably saw them more than the others and they were very proactive when I was in the hospital the week before.  They did their best to get me out of there sooner rather than later.

After sitting on the hospital bed being monitored for a while, my contractions became much stronger, but I made little progress.  The midwives talked to me about breaking my water, which is something I didn't originally want.  But, I wasn't feeling very patient. I considered getting an epidural before they broke my water.  

Steve and I walked around for a while to talk about it.  I decided it was okay for them to break my water, but I wasn't going to get an epidural.  I knew what was ahead of me and I wasn't scared (yet).  I was actually more scared of needles.  I had had too many of those from the week before.  I'm grateful for modern medicine, but I want as little to do with it as possible.

After our walk, I was at 7 cm.  They broke my water and we walked around some more.  The contractions were painless for a while.  They asked us to come back in because the wireless monitors weren't working where we were walking.  So I walked around in the delivery room and when the contractions became so painful, I got in the tub for some pain relief.  I had never tried the tub before, but it was amazing how it lessened my pain by about 50 percent.  I stayed in there for a while and I handled each contraction pretty silently.  As the contractions worsened, I started to cry.

I got out of the tub to get checked again.  Still 7 cm, but much more effaced.  I labored the rest of the time on the hospital bed.  Steve rubbed my arm, which did nothing to lessen the pain, but it was still so comforting.  I could never go through labor without him.   I tried to relax and that helped, but there are just some contractions that are beyond relaxation techniques.  I remember telling Steve, "This sucks!"  "I NEVER want to do this again!"  Can you imagine what things might have flown out of my mouth if I wasn't Mormon?

I don't really remember the timing of everything, but after several of those excruciatingly painful contractions, I was ready to push.  I don't remember how long I pushed, but it was the worst.  "I can't do this!" I screamed.  Steve assured me that I could.  (Sound familiar?)  I thrashed around a bit, rebelling against the next contraction.  I felt out of control and so mad at the pain, but I pushed anyway.  After all, that was the only way out of this mess.  Just when the pain couldn't get any worse, the baby was out and the pain went away.  And everything was perfect.

The midwife placed her on my chest right away.  There she was, a full head of dark hair and chubby cheeks like Stephen, fresh from heaven.  Steve and I didn't really talk.  We just stared at her, listened to her cry, and basked in the newness of life, in that feeling of being so close to heaven.  There is nothing like it.  It is so amazing every single time.

After a while, Steve cut the cord and she was briefly whisked away to get cleaned up.

She weighed in at 7 lbs. 5 oz., measured 19 inches long.

I love this picture.  Her cheeks are amazing!

After she got cleaned up, I nursed her for the first time and she did great on her first try.  It's amazing how they come out knowing exactly what to do.  

Saige dropped the kids off at the hospital.  It was almost 10 PM.  Stephen said, "I want to see her!"  Mei Li said, "Aww, she's so cute!  The first thing that came out of Mi Na's mouth was "Can I touch it?"  She wanted to climb right on top of me to snatch her baby sister, but Steve gently put Mi Na next to me and unwrapped her feet so Mi Na could touch them.  Right away, Mi Na performed "this little piggy" on her baby sister's tiny toes.  My heart melted into a giant puddle of love.  

Mi Na hadn't napped, so she pretty quickly had a melt-down when we put limits on how much she could touch the baby.  Pictures would not happen that night.  Christine made it to our house so Steve just took the kids home, put them to bed, and came back to be with me.  It was such a luxury to have him there for the first night, so we could have some alone time with our new nameless baby girl.  Thank you for that, Christine.

Christine and the kids came by the next day to see the still nameless little baby.  Mi Na asked again, "Can I touch it?"  She was all over that baby, getting in her face and poking her eyes.  Mei Li held her baby sister for the first time.  Stephen was not super enthusiastic, but he seemed to like her well enough.  We took a few pictures and then Steve took the kids home.  She remained nameless through the rest of that day.

Family of six!

I stayed the extra night at the hospital as instructed, and in the morning, we had to finally choose a name.  There was a name that I loved this whole pregnancy, and we were pretty sure we would end up using it. Steve liked it enough and it had a special meaning.  Steve gave his okay on Friday morning to use that name, so I wrote it down on the birth certificate form.  I crossed it out a minute later.

As much as I loved that name, it wasn't her name.  I looked at her and looked at her.  She opened her eyes wide and they stayed open for an unusually long time.  It was during that time that her name came to me. "Li Ya."  It was a name that I had mentioned to Steve before, but never seriously considered.  It means beauty and grace.  When Steve came to pick me up, we discussed her name again. Steve loved it.  Never mind that I call her "Mi Na" at least three times a day.

I'm so grateful Li Ya came to us.  I'm so grateful to have such a kind and gentle man as my husband and father of my children. I'm so grateful that we have the power to create life!  I'm so grateful for my body's ability sustain this new life.   It's easy to get overwhelmed by all the responsibility that comes with having four children, but the Lord will help us. We can do this.  I dare say that we'll even be good at it.  Life is so beautiful.

It's May!

I wonder if my next post will have "June" in the title.  Like I said before, March was pretty dismal, April was slightly better, and I have great hopes for May.

I spent most of April on my couch or in bed.  Steve's tax season ended, which was such a relief for our whole family.  I am proud of Steve for getting through another one, but can we really keep doing this forever?

My children gained a lot of independence in April, getting their own food and drink from the refrigerator.  Even Mi Na learned the art of scouring the floor and table for food left behind.  It wasn't always that bad.  Mornings were the best part of my day.  Though exhausted, I remained nausea-free until noon.  But when afternoon hit, I put Mi Na down for her nap, let Stephen watch a movie, and then slept until my alarm sounded and it was time to get Mei Li from the bus.  Then there was more movie-watching once Mei Li got home and Mi Na got up from her nap.  Then more couching for me.  I felt guilty that my kids were frying their brains with so much screen time.  That good-for-nothing mother of theirs.


Through all of this, I remained overwhelmingly grateful for my supportive, patient husband.  How could our little family have survived this last month if Steve were unwilling to feed, bathe, and put the kids to bed when he got home from work?   I probably would have just done what needed to be done, but I'm grateful that when he came home, I could just go to bed and rest easy knowing that our little ones were well taken care of.  I know it was probably hard on Steve, but he never told me so.

I hope it doesn't offend anyone if I speak of the first trimester of pregnancy as being difficult or trying.  I know that there are many who struggle with infertility and would gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant they could conceive.  I am so very aware of that, and remain ever grateful for the blessings I have been given.

When I prayed for help, I sometimes felt a little guilty that I would ask for help with this trial/blessing, knowing that others have much harder trials to deal with.  But after I prayed, I never felt like Heavenly Father compared my trial to another's.  I felt simply that He loved me, I was His daughter, and He wanted to help me.  He did help me in small and simple ways.   Mi Na came to me a few times while I lay on the couch and asked, "Mama, a sick?"  Stephen prayed that I would get better, and Mei Li came to my bedside everyday to give me a hug and a kiss and tell me that I was the best mom in the world.  I didn't believe her, but it was nice to hear.


I felt a little different today, not great, but different.  I felt the urge to clean my house, but with no energy to do it.  That little change gave me hope that I will someday enjoy running our household again.  I took the kids outside for a bit in the late afternoon, which only happened once or twice in April.  And tonight, when Mei Li requested that I sing "Feed the Birds" before bed, I sang it more slowly, soothingly, and beautifully than I did the nights before.  I am grateful for these little changes in the way I feel.

We are indeed blessed and I am just going to continue to plug away, do what I can, and try not to feel guilty for not doing more.  Happy May to all!

Thanksgiving

It has been a crazy week!  I don't have a single picture from Thanksgiving Day.  I stayed up late the night before making a pumpkin pie and all other things that could be done a day in advance.  Steve let me sleep in, even though he was up late too.  I let him do that for me way too much.  How bratty of me.

He took the kids over to Ken and Rachel's house for some breakfast and football watching, while I stayed home and cooked.  It was kind of crazy and wonderful to be all alone in my house.  I downloaded an audio book to keep me company.  My selection was The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. I love it.

I chopped vegetables and roasted them in our electric roaster so I wouldn't take up valuable oven time.  They didn't caramelize properly.  After brining the turkey overnight, I patted it dry, coated the skin with oil, and stuffed it with aromatics.  I think it came out perfectly, but then we covered it with foil because we started an hour later than planned and the skin lost its crispness.  My gravy was too thin and my homemade pumpkin pie cracked wide open in the middle while cooling.  My heart broke a little bit over my failures.

But, we were with family, and that is nothing to be heart-broken about.  We are so blessed to live near Rachel and Ken, Christine, and the Earnest family.  Their culinary contributions were perfection.  We all stuffed ourselves.  Christine and her friend had to leave because Christine was working Black Friday at Anthropologie and had to be there at 5AM!  The rest of us adults sat in our living room after the kids went to bed and just talked.  It was lovely.

Annee and Darin stayed at our place with the sleeping children, while Steve and I went to a store at midnight to buy a washer and dryer:

  

Ha!  It was insane!  Luckily, there was a separate line for those buying appliances and the majority of the people were going for the TVs.  The ordeal only took us an hour and a half.  I'm pretty excited about our purchase.  It will be nice to have a washer that (hopefully) doesn't break every few months and actually cleans clothes.


My heart is filled with gratitude for my blessings.  I have too many to count, but I try to count them in prayer each day.  Perhaps I haven't yet faced hard enough trials to prove me wrong, but so far I've come to know that being grateful makes any stage of life a beautiful one.  

A fleck.

It is almost 2 AM.  Steve is away for a couple of days on business.  I have a hard time going to bed without him.  The day has been long and trying.  I feel so drained from busy season and now with Steve gone again, I feel as though I have so little to give my children.  I feel like I am doing my best and yet, I feel like I'm failing.  But there was a moment, a fleck of perfection tonight that I must remember.

I took our kids out to the backyard tonight even though I felt kind of grumpy.  It was a perfectly cool almost autumn evening.  I sat on our picnic blanket and watched Mei Li and Stephen dig in the dirt happily.  Mi Na toddled around, struggling a little bit as she is not accustomed to wearing shoes nor walking on overgrown grass.  She fell into my lap, on purpose, to give me a hug and she laughed. I played T-ball with Mei Li and Stephen, and everything felt beautiful for a few minutes.

Tears showed up for Stephen soon after we started playing.  It was my fault.  I wasn't playing T-ball correctly. He was sad and I felt impatient.  Again, this was just not my day.

But I'd be ungrateful if I forgot to collect my fleck of gold from today.  Yeah, I'm sad it's not a golden nugget, but I'm piling this fleck onto a wealth of small successes and happy memories.  And tomorrow, perhaps I'll find two more flecks.

 

Monday's highlights

Monday started off with breakfast, family scripture study, and lots of cleaning.  I was enjoying the cleaning so much that I nearly forgot about Mei Li's princess ballet camp, which she was fifteen minutes late to.

Mei Li danced, Mi Na napped, and Stephen and I played in the basement together.  We played motorcycles and then we pretended we were flying on a plane to De Nyork (New York).  I love that kid and his imagination.  He is so specific about what role he wants me to play, what noises I'm supposed to make, and what I'm supposed to do and say.   It's slightly stressful, but I do enjoy it when just the two of us can play.

We picked Mei Li up and then went to look at a piano I found on craigslist.

During Mi Na's afternoon nap and the older kids' down time, I went to work sanding our railings.  Stephen came up to ask me a question and then he said, "Mom, I like you like this."

"Like me like what?" I asked.

"Like this!" he said pointing at my head.

"You mean you like my hair like this?"

"Yeah.  It's pretty."

And in case you were wondering (which I'm pretty sure you aren't), this is what he meant:

  I thought it was funny because, one, this is my grungy look, and two, Steve likes my hair like this too.

About fifteen minutes after our conversation, I found Stephen like this:

 

Wearing snow boots, without a shirt, asleep on the floor.  He woke himself up before long.

And then there was a thunderstorm.  I love Virginia's summer thunderstorms.  It's quick and dramatic and it just cools our world down a little bit.

After the rain let up, we went out with rain boots to play in the puddles. 

 

And yes, I think they're heartbreakingly cute and loveable and crazy!

We had a spontaneous afternoon play date with a neighbor, and then Steve came home.  I served overcooked fish in a ginger-soy glaze, rice, seaweed, and green beans for dinner.  The seaweed was Steve's idea.  Korean mission nostalgia, you know.  It was a very tasty addition.  The kids wanted to try the nori, but of course, did not end up liking it.  I don't get it, I loved this stuff when I was little. :)

Then we had family home evening.  Mi Na tried to lead the music like me, and Mei Li and Stephen just belted out "Scripture Power."  There was one who didn't listen to the lesson and there was a timeout for kicking.  But sometimes that's how it goes.  And all of these ups and downs are what make life so great.  Plus, how could I ever teach my kids anything if they didn't make mistakes?

Life is good and my heart is full of gratitude for it.

P.S. The sister update is on Christine's blog this week.  Check it out.

Highlights and lowlights

1. Patty came over for lunch last Friday. She told me not to fuss, though she's definitely worth fussing over. We at PB&Js at her suggestion. After the prayer, Stephen confessed, "I wasn't reverent." She laughed. She can do that now that her kids are all grown. I think I should laugh more. Thanks for the fun, Patty.

2. Last Friday night, we met Steve at Tysons for dinner. It was a fun family event.

3. Last Saturday, two Beehive girls came over to watch our kids as a service while we went to stake temple day. We dropped Mi Na off with Ken and Rachel so we wouldn't be separated for quite as long from her. We had a wonderful time, although I think Mi Na cried the whole time. Sorry, guys.

4. I completely forgot about two appointments this week, one doctor's appointment and one visiting teaching appointment! Where is my mind, people? I'm losing it!

5. I can feel the top of Mi Na's lower left front tooth. She seems much happier these days now that it has broken through. She sometimes makes this funny face that looks like she's getting used to braces. So cute.

6. Busy season is starting to get bad. I had this idea that I should go somewhere warm and rent a beach house for the next couple of months with a patio that goes right to the sand. Mi Na could take her naps in the house and Mei Li and Stephen could build sand castles. I could make sure all my babies were safe and happy. Perfect, right?

7. Sleep is just not happening for Mi Na and me. It seems like it's getting worse each night. It's hard when you wake up in the morning already feeling like you've had a long bad day. She was such a great newborn sleeper, but I knew it had to end some time. Too good to be true, you know? What to do, what to do? The answer was once obvious to me. It's not anymore.

8. Our workout routine is going down the drain. On Monday, we start anew. We're going to do this!

9. Stephen is happy to spend time outside in the cold practicing his glider biking skills. He once showed me how he could balance for a second or two.

10. My soul feels good in the middle of the winter/tax/no sleep season. Sometimes I look at it this way:

I can't believe I've managed to stay this happy.

Sometimes I look at it this way:

It is no wonder I am this happy. I am so blessed.

I hope I can maintain this through April 15.

Gratitude

Dear Mi Na,

Thank you for letting me get more sleep than Mei Li or Stephen ever let me get at your age.


Thank you for eating well.

Thank you for entertaining the whole family with your grunts, hiccups, and funny faces.

Thank you for reminding us to be soft and gentle.


Thank you for making life even more beautiful than it was.


How did we ever live without you?

Humble Pie

I'm eating a big slice of it this very moment.

In the midst of what I call would call a crazy and difficult day, the Spirit reminded me how blessed I am and how I haven't ever truly suffered. Not like so many others have and not like my Savior.

I feel so dumb when I forget to be grateful. I apologize for complaining about my not-at-all difficult life.

We have been incredibly blessed. Getting this townhouse was a miracle. Maybe I'll tell you about it someday.

Baby girl is kicking my tummy as I write. That is a miracle too.

There is certainly no need for sadness and frustration now.

Thanksgiving in Boston

We drove to Boston for Thanksgiving to visit Steve's brother and his family. Google maps claimed that the estimated drive time was no more than 8 hours. It took more like 12, but that did include a couple of stops. On the way to Boston, Steve taught Stephen how to say "Bahston Gahden" like a true Bostonian. It was hilarious.

We loved seeing their new life at Harvard. What an adventure.

They took us to the Boston Public Gardens on Thanksgiving day, which was so so lovely. The kids enjoyed riding on the "Make Way for Ducklings" statues. Mei Li was actually having the worst day of her life that day, but managed to smile for the camera.

3-year olds

Z brothers and their families

Zack and Jack

Mei Li took this one.

We ate Thanksgiving dinner at their friends' house and it was so very delicious. I was especially impressed with Zack and Ana's juicy and tender turkey. I've never made a turkey before. I'm scared to. Someday I will, and I'll use Zack and Ana's recipe.

On Black Friday, we went to the Harvard Museum of Natural History. The kids loved it.

I was so pleased to see how well all the kids played together. Stephen and Jack, the roommates, had some fun middle-of-the-night adventures together.

That night, Zack and Ana arranged for a babysitter to watch the kids while the four of us went on a double date to P.F. Chang's. I really love those two. They fell in love when they were 15, which happens to be around the time I first met my Steve.

We were hoping our drive back to VA would be shorter than our drive to Boston, but it was still 12 hours. Still very worth it. We are so grateful for family. Nothing feels as warm and wonderful as being with family.