It's May!

I wonder if my next post will have "June" in the title.  Like I said before, March was pretty dismal, April was slightly better, and I have great hopes for May.

I spent most of April on my couch or in bed.  Steve's tax season ended, which was such a relief for our whole family.  I am proud of Steve for getting through another one, but can we really keep doing this forever?

My children gained a lot of independence in April, getting their own food and drink from the refrigerator.  Even Mi Na learned the art of scouring the floor and table for food left behind.  It wasn't always that bad.  Mornings were the best part of my day.  Though exhausted, I remained nausea-free until noon.  But when afternoon hit, I put Mi Na down for her nap, let Stephen watch a movie, and then slept until my alarm sounded and it was time to get Mei Li from the bus.  Then there was more movie-watching once Mei Li got home and Mi Na got up from her nap.  Then more couching for me.  I felt guilty that my kids were frying their brains with so much screen time.  That good-for-nothing mother of theirs.


Through all of this, I remained overwhelmingly grateful for my supportive, patient husband.  How could our little family have survived this last month if Steve were unwilling to feed, bathe, and put the kids to bed when he got home from work?   I probably would have just done what needed to be done, but I'm grateful that when he came home, I could just go to bed and rest easy knowing that our little ones were well taken care of.  I know it was probably hard on Steve, but he never told me so.

I hope it doesn't offend anyone if I speak of the first trimester of pregnancy as being difficult or trying.  I know that there are many who struggle with infertility and would gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant they could conceive.  I am so very aware of that, and remain ever grateful for the blessings I have been given.

When I prayed for help, I sometimes felt a little guilty that I would ask for help with this trial/blessing, knowing that others have much harder trials to deal with.  But after I prayed, I never felt like Heavenly Father compared my trial to another's.  I felt simply that He loved me, I was His daughter, and He wanted to help me.  He did help me in small and simple ways.   Mi Na came to me a few times while I lay on the couch and asked, "Mama, a sick?"  Stephen prayed that I would get better, and Mei Li came to my bedside everyday to give me a hug and a kiss and tell me that I was the best mom in the world.  I didn't believe her, but it was nice to hear.


I felt a little different today, not great, but different.  I felt the urge to clean my house, but with no energy to do it.  That little change gave me hope that I will someday enjoy running our household again.  I took the kids outside for a bit in the late afternoon, which only happened once or twice in April.  And tonight, when Mei Li requested that I sing "Feed the Birds" before bed, I sang it more slowly, soothingly, and beautifully than I did the nights before.  I am grateful for these little changes in the way I feel.

We are indeed blessed and I am just going to continue to plug away, do what I can, and try not to feel guilty for not doing more.  Happy May to all!